On the Lighter Side
ANDDOVUS Nations Authorize "Regime Change" for USA
Pro-Democracy Coup to be Staged No Later than Next Spring
by Dennis hans - Buenos Aires
The Association of Nations Destroyed, Destabilized or Otherwise Violated by
Uncle Sam, (ANDDOVUS), has authorized the ouster of the current U.S.
administration by no later than March 2003.
Foreign ministers of the 123 nations that make up ANDDOVUS met earlier this
week in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where they agreed to appropriate $42.8
billion for what they termed "regime change in the United States."
"We'll do just what the CIA has done to so many ANDDOVUS nations," said an
aide to the Angolan foreign minister. "We'll use bribes to recruit or
subvert the media, labor unions, business groups, political parties or
factions within parties, and disaffected officers in the military and
police."
The basic idea, as mapped out in planning documents marked TOP SECRET, is to
gradually turn up the heat on the Bush administration from all sectors and
strata of U.S. society until the president has no choice but to step down.
At that point, ANDDOVUS will install its own people, dissolve the Congress
and set a 2005 date for new — and publicly financed — elections.
Of course, not every covert operation succeeds, so ANDDOVUS has a forceful
backup plan in place: a military invasion from the south, preceded by an
uprising in what Vicente Fox calls "the occupied territories of Mexico's
North Bank" (what the U.S. calls Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and southern
California). The uprising's objective is to gain control of the air and land
corridors vital to the invasion.
The political and/or military operations will be coordinated by an ANDDOVUS
committee known as DUO, or "Do Unto Others." Should DUO succeed, don't look
for it to install Al Gore or any other big-name Democrat. "If you watched
the foreign-policy debate in 2000," a Guatemalan official observed, "you
know that Gore agreed with everything Bush said and vice versa. Now we might
find a place in our coup for a Russ Feingold or Dennis Kucinich, but as for
the leadership of the Democrats, forget it."
The idea of deposing the U.S. government has been broached periodically at
ANDDOVUS gatherings. "I believe I was the first, back in 1972," said Diego
Gonzales, who, at the time, was Chile's foreign minister. "The U.S. was in
the process of doing to my country what it had done in other Latin nations —
destroying democracy — so I urged ANDDOVUS to fight fire with fire by
replacing Nixon and Kissinger with gringos who believe in the rule of law.
Unfortunately, Nixon got wind of the initiative and bought off 35 foreign
ministers prior to the vote."
Back in 1972, ANDDOVUS had 54 member nations, but it achieved phenomenal
growth during the 1980s. "We wanted economic growth, but Reagan gave us
cadaver growth," recalled Paulo Santos of Angola. "The man never met a
terrorist he wouldn't hail as a 'freedom fighter.'"
The challenge facing DUO is finding prominent Americans who pay more than
lip service to "self-determination," a concept with two components. "When
the U.S. ousted Iraq from Kuwait," said the foreign minister of East Timor,
"it sought to uphold what I call 'external self-determination': the right of
a small country to exercise sovereignty free from outside interference. The
U.S. was right to tell Saddam he had no right to determine who rules Kuwait,
just as it was wrong from 1975 to 1999 to allow Indonesia to determine who
ruled my country. But a related U.S. goal in the Gulf War was to re-install
an undemocratic ruling family — that is, to help a monarchy deny the Kuwaiti
people 'internal self-determination.'
The same U.S. that prefers an undemocratic Kuwait now proclaims its devotion
to internal self-determination for Iraqis! We prefer — and will impose — a
U.S. government that regards self-determination as a principle to uphold
rather than a soundbite to selectively invoke."
"As bad as American politicians are, the media are worse," a South African
said. "You saw how the editors of the New York Times welcomed the military
coup in Venezuela. In a sane world, columnists as pugnacious as the Times'
William Safire and Thomas Friedman would stick out like sore thumbs. But
over at the 'liberal' Washington Post there's a veritable 'Fight Club': Jim
Hoagland, Charles Krauthammer, Lally Weymouth, Fred Hiatt, Robert Kagan,
Michael Kelly and George Will." "I call them 'Kissinger wannabes,'" said a
Greek official. "It hasn't dawned on them that their hero is now a
'wannaby': He's 'wanted by' justice seekers for ordering or abetting crimes
against humanity in Angola, Bangladesh, Cambodia, Chile, East Timor, Greece,
Laos, Kurdistan, South Africa and Vietnam."
Given the dearth of public personalities who deny the U.S. the right to
unseat any foreign government it labels a threat, or to punish innocent
civilians for the crimes of their dictator, DUO is cultivating relatively
unknown Americans who possess the requisite humane, democratic values.
The plan is to build up their stature and Q-ratings until they are household
names. A key figure in the effort is described by DUO sources as "a
progressive, white-haired, former talk-show host who had a loyal following
of soccer moms." "We paid off a few executives," said one source, "and now
he's set for a weeknight show on MSNBC starting this summer. He'll give our
people a platform, and those who strike a chord with the public will emerge
as the braintrust of the coup regime."
According to the secret ANDDOVUS proclamation, the coup planners "envision a
U.S. that joins the rest of the world in a no-exceptions ban on landmines
and weapons of mass destruction, and works well with others to resolve
peacefully — and with justice — disputes within and among nations."
"It's an easy program to get with," said Chile's Gonzales. "It's a shame the
Bush administration won't even try."
Dennis Hans is a freelance writer who files fictional reports from places
he's never visited. He can be reached at HANS_D@popmail.firn.edu