Twisted History
Welcome to the wonderful world of "Non Campus Mentis," (published by Workman
Press) a book of mangled moments of Western Civilization culled from actual
term papers and exams of today's "brightest" students by incredulous college
professor Anders Henriksson who, while grading exams, chose to laugh, rather
than cry, at his students' most egregious mistakes. History, after all, is
nothing more than "the behind of the present," according to one student, who
aptly added: "This gives incites from the anals of the past." The
once-mighty British Empire is in a "state of recline. Its colonies have
slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map."
Chairman "Moo" has passed away, as has former President "Franklin Eleanor
Roosavelt," and civil rights leader "Martin Luther Junior" was slain in the
1960s, shortly after making his famous "If I Had A Hammer" speech.
Hitler, a depressed "Nazi leader of a Communist Germany" who spurred a huge
"anti-semantic" movement through a terrifying "Gespacho," launched
"Operation Barbarella" while the English "vanely hoped for peas."
The war began turning around, though, when the "Allies landed near Italy's
toe and gradually advanced up her leg. Hitler ultimately "shot himself in
the bonker."
Cretinalia Historica
Hundreds of student contributors received passing grades with such
statements as: "When the Davy Jones Index crashed in 1929 many people were
left to political incineration. Some, like John Paul Sart, retreated into
extraterrestrialism.
The New Deal was an idea inspired by Franklin Eleanor Roosavelt."
The Boston Tea Party, by the way, was held at Pearl Harbor.
Gravity of the misstatements aside, the bloopers make a great reference
whether one seeks information on the Canadian Missile Crisis, clashes
between Israelis and Parisians, or the Gulf War in which, according to one
scholar: "Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia." (No doubt an act of
"premedication.")
New INcites
Henriksson said the errors fall into three major categories. Some are simply
caused by bad spelling or a lack of proofreading, and come out funny. Some
were prompted by a "profound lack of preparation, while others, just seem to
be "really out at sea," he said. You get the ones who don't really even
seem to understand there's a line between past and present and they tell you
that the first airplane was flown by the Marx Brothers. I had this one kid
who wrote that Spartacus led a slave rebellion in ancient Rome and then
appered in a movie about it later."
The book offers fresh new "incites" on history from "prehistoricle" times
through "King Toot" and the birth of "monolithic" religion.("Judyism had one
big God named Yahoo"). The book goes on to "chronicle" the birth of
Christianity ("Just another mystery cult until Jesus was born") and, his
pronouncement, later, that "The mice shall inherit the earth." The book
sheds new light on the lives of Martin Luther (he nailed 95 theocrats to a
church door), "Florence of Arabia," and General George "Custard," who
managed to stand up anyway. ("Martian Luther King's" four steps to direct
action, by the way, included "self purification," when you "allow yourself
to be eaten to a pulp.")
In its final pages, the book includes students' geographical misconceptions
as represented on several world maps bearing such labels as "The Land of
Milk and Chocolate" and "Home of Golden Fleas" (in the Ancient World) to
"Bulemia," "Whales," "Roam," the "Eel of France," and the "Automaton Empire"
(as they were known in the "Middle Evil" Times).
And it notes that, yes, there has indeed been a change in America's "social
seen," over the centuries. The last stage, according to the book, is "The
Age of Now. This concept grinds our critical, seething minds to a halt."
Until then, however, we Americans, "in all humidity" are nothing less than
"the people of currant times."
In the Land of the Tight Fist - by Herschel Sternlieb
In the Land of the Tight Fist, the Invisible Hand ruled all. Its mysterious
ways were worshipped as the epitome of human enterprise and achievement.
But behind the scenes, the Invisible Hand was manipulated by a partnership
of Heavy Hand and Upper Hand. Then, when things started to deteriorate and
faith in the Invisible Hand began to waver, two more members were added to
the partnership, Glad Hand and Sleight of Hand.
But still the worship of the Invisible Hand ebbed until there was a revolt
against the rulers and they changed the nation's name to the Land of the
Open Hand. Behind the scenes, the Invisible Hand was manipulated by Even
Hand and Helping Hand, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Back to Peace Talk Index, Winter, 2001-2002
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